We All Have Background Conversations...But What Are They?

What's Your Background Conversation?

That is a useful question to start the process of encouraging people to be aware that they have a background conversation that, without prompting, they may not  think to share. 

And, if open, honest, and direct communications is our goal, we need to find ways to make it safe for people to say what's on their mind.

We have to be mindful though that we don't cross a threshold into being interrogators, after all, we are all entitled to our private thoughts...we don't have to share everything we think.

Having someone willing to share with us what they think...what they really think...is a function of our genuine curiosity to know what's on their mind when we ask.  Being willing to be completely open is a function of the level of affinity we share, and the level of trust that exists between us. 

When Background Conversations Naturally Become Foreground Conversations

When the relationships are good colleagues, friends, and family will share their background conversations with us in lots of different ways. For example we'll naturally ask:

• What do you think of the idea?
• What's on your mind...?
• You haven't said very much...anything you want to say?
• Any questions or reservations you'd like to share?
• Any feedback you'd like to give me?
• ...

And, when we are speaking...from an intention to be open, direct and unexpurgated...it becomes superfluous to announce what your background conversation is, because by virtue of the fact you are speaking, without prompting, it is not a background conversation anymore.

 As one person put it, "I noticed myself cringing when people announce that their "background conversation is...". "If the idea is to tell people what we are really thinking, perhaps the next evolutionary step in our communications with each other should be... to remove the boundary between our internal and external monologue."

Sharing Our Background Conversations a Prerequisite For Great Communications

How Familiar Is This Scene For You

You are in the middle of a conversation with someone, or even in a meeting with several people, and your background conversation kicks in...you know that conversation you have with yourself: 

• I wonder what she meant by...? 
• Oops, that idea didn't go over very well
• Why does he always want to debate every detail?
• I am wasting my time sitting in this meeting...

Yet you say nothing. And the uncertainties and nagging questions persist. You may even have a "meeting after the meeting" with colleagues and share opinions and assessments about your background conversations...each of you trying to figure out how accurate they were.

Yet, the only people who can tell you for sure aren't in the conversation.

How Come We Don't Just Ask?

• Anita, what did you mean exactly when you said...?
• Did my idea just bomb with all of you?
• Joe, what exactly is your concern with my proposal, it seems to me you have a lot of reservations?
• I don't see why I have been invited to this meeting...any objections if I leave?

Mostly We Are Not Paying Attention To Our Background Conversations As We Do To The Foreground Conversations

If we did we would be able to share our background conversations and, we would be able to ask others what their background conversations are...given we now know they have them.

We could even take a stab at speculation what they are. For example, instead of wondering what she meant, you could speculate and test what you think she meant. "So, are you saying we should cancel the project?" She will either validate your speculation or, she might reply, "No, I was thinking if we don't put more resources on the project we'll fail."

If We Want Conversations That Matter, That Make A Difference We Have To Share Our Background Conversations

How else will people know what we really think and feel. How will they know our expectations, our aspirations, or our concerns. 

And how else will we know what others think and feel, what their expectations are, what their aspirations or concerns are?

Absent this knowledge our conversations are shallow. I even go so far as to say they are inauthentic. We are not being completely truthful if we are withholding part of ourselves.

This withholding goes a long way in explaining why so many attempts at communication with people don't work out well. Why relationships don't work as well as they could. Why teams don't trust each other, and don't function as well as they could