What Do You Wish Your Bosses Had Told You...

I asked: What do you wish your bosses had told you as you moved through your career?

And, what difference would it have made to your career, to your life, and how you feel about yourself?

He paused for a good chunk of time and then responded: "What I wanted to hear is different from what I needed to hear."

I asked him to explain. And he did...

What I wanted to hear was, "It will be okay," when I messed up or was upset about something. And, "That's terrific, you're great!" when I did something well. That would have helped me feel supported and certainly would have been better than feeling put down, which happened a lot.

But what I needed to hear was, "I see that you are upset about something, tell me what happened [with real curiosity and compassion]," or, "Wow, I see you are really excited about something, tell me what happened [again with curiosity, and this time with enthusiasm too]. By Having my feelings seen and validated, and by being able to tell the entire story of what led to my feeling that way, and then have my boss talk with me about it, I would have learned to be much more competent and confident.

Caring comes not from what you say to your reports, but what you enable them to say to you that is weighing on their minds, hearts and souls – then, how you hear them out so that instead of them feeling dismissed and not worth your time, they feel understood, feel cared for, less alone and, they feel worthy. All important feelings for employees to have in an organization that is working to produce breakthroughs – especially in stressful times.

One of the advantages of being an executive coach is that learning, and constant stream of great stories you get to share with people, is part of day-to-day interactions with clients. One of the disadvantages, is that some times who said what to whom, and when, is fuzzy. 

What I have just shared is from one of these fuzzy memories. I was not party to this conversation, and I cannot recall who shared it with me. That said, with that disclaimer, so to speak, I want to share it anyway - it is just good stuff, and a valuable lesson for us all.