What Would Happen If I Listened to Colleagues to Get What They Really Think?

Over the years of coaching executives and their teams there is one conversation that executives say has defied their best efforts to get rid of it – and that is gossiping and undermining. And the companion complaint – people don't speak up, and when they do they don't speak straight.

One executive complained recently, with more than a little resignation and hopelessness, "Why all the back channel BS? Why don't people speak up when they have something to say, why do I have to hear that there is stuff they are not telling me through intermediaries? We need adults around here, we need people with a bit of spine, with courage to say what's on their mind...".

Executives, like the one I just referred to, persistent in externalizing the source of the issues in their organizations to the ubiquitous them. They bristle at the very suggestion they might be a factor to consider – that they may even be part of the problem.

If We Are Not Willing to See Ourselves As Part of the Problem, We Will Not Be Able to Be Part of the Solution

Let's face it, we can't ever expect to have open and straight communication if we provide no listening for it. Most of us are very good at dishing out our feedback – not so good at receiving it. We are good and broadcasting, not so good at receiving.

Tell the truth, when did you last solicit feedback? And how do you deal with it if you are lucky enough to get some? When did you last listen for what was not been said?

So Let's Look: Ask Yourself, How Well Do I Receive Feedback How Well Do I Listen?

It's always useful to pause and reflect on how well we are doing in listening, I mean really listening – as in getting the feedback of others.

If it is valid that you have a commitment to be really effective in receiving feedback then take a moment and score yourself against each of the following statements on a scale of 1-10, 10 being high.

1. I listen to feedback with the intention of discovering how I can improve my leadership and management effectiveness
2. I don't react to feedback with argument, justification or excuses. I listen to really get how I occur to the person giving me feedback – what their experience of me is
3. I want to learn from feedback, even if it is given in the form that sounds like a make-wrong, invalidation or criticism of me
4. I am willing to acknowledge feedback about my leadership, behavior and performance at work, and I am willing to say how, and by when, I will make a correction, if a correction is called for
5. I actively seek out feedback. I initiate conversations about how I occur, how people experience my interactions with them, and how I can improve my performance and make the interactions I have with colleagues more open and productive
6. I manage my emotions when receiving feedback. I don't let them get in the way – either by shutting down the feedback, or my willingness to hear it, because of my uncomfortableness, ... or whatever the emotion is
7. I relate to feedback as a gift, as an opportunity to see my blind spots, and opportunity to make corrections so as to be a more effective leader, manager, and individual contributor
8. In my role as a leader and manager I encourage others to be open to giving and receiving feedback, to see the developmental possibilities in it, and I coach them how to get the most value out of receiving feedback
9. I am a role model for my colleagues in being open to receiving feedback. I am also a role model for acting on the feedback I receive by making corrections when that is what's required.

What Would Happen If You Said What You Really Think? Part 2

We Have Loads of Opportunities to Say What We Really Think – Yet Mostly Don't

IF? If we have a commitment to be open, direct, and honest in our interactions with the people we work with it is useful to check in with ourselves from time to time to see how well we are doing.

Take giving feedback for example. We all have lots of opportunities to give feedback; in performance reviews, in one-on-one meetings with colleagues, and in the ordinary day-to-day interactions.

Start by noticing your background conversations as you are speaking to colleagues. Is the background conversation about making a contribution to the person we are speaking to or is about making them wrong, showing them how they screwed up, while letting them know how upset/angry you are?

How Well Do I Give Feedback?

If it is valid that you have a commitment to be really effective in giving feedback then take a moment and score yourself against each of the following statements on a scale of 1-10, 10 being high.

1. I give feedback with the intention of helping the person to whom I am given feedback to see how they can improve their performance and/or modify their behaviors
2. I give feedback often – it is part of my day-to-day discipline and practice to look out for teachable moments
3. I look to catch someone doing something great and acknowledge and appreciate them in the moment, and tell them specifically in what way their actions forward our goals and/or values
4. I pay attention to what people are doing that does not forward their goals, or is inconsistent with their promises or values, and I ask them if they are open to hearing about what I observe
5. I encourage people to invite me to give them feedback as someone committed to their success, growth and development
6. I create a safe and non-threatening context before I give feedback by making sure people understand my commitment is to contribute to them, not to make them wrong or invalidate them
7. I can be counted on to be specific in my feedback, just the facts – what happened or did not happen
8. I can be counted on to manage my own emotions when giving feedback and not direct my anger, upset, frustration... at the person to whom I am giving feedback
9. I can be counted on to leave people with the experience of having been contributed to, grateful for my feedback, and with a pathway to make corrections.

Answer The Following Questions

For every score below 10 ask:

1. What is missing, that if I were to put it in place, my score would go up?
2. What is present, and in the way, that if I were to remove it, my score would go up?

Act on Your Insights – Now

Paraphrasing +Bill Gates – an insight has the half life of a banana. So act on your insights, put the missing in place and remove what's present and in the way.

If we are in a make wrong/blame mood, if we are angry, frustrated even, with someone or frustrated by something that happened, or something that didn't happen, then the first step is top notice the emotions and moods that are swirling around.

What Would Happen If You Said What You Really Think?

My Implied Accusation Is That We Don't Tell The Truth

Or said another way, I am saying we lie, and we lie about the fact we lie – often even to ourselves.

You’re lied to 10 to 200 times a day, and a stranger will lie to you three times in the first 10 minutes of a conversation. That’s unsettling news, but according to a TED Talk by Pamela Meyer, we only pretend to be against lying. Because obviously, we’re all, to some extent, covertly supporting lies by propagating them.

In a sense, we’ve built our whole world around lies, and that’s an idea that’s quite literally mapped out by this visualization of Meyer’s talk, created by Ben Gibson, co-founder and art director of Pop Chart Lab, in collaboration with the team at TED.

What's The Cost of Lying In An Organizational Setting?

I am going to ignore the obvious cost that come for lying that is a cover up for fraud and other criminal behavior. But what about the lying that we do daily by, for example: 

• By avoiding difficult conversations
• By talking around the elephant in the room
• By agreeing with a decision that we think is wrong only to covertly undermine it later
• By gossiping to others instead of directly to the person we have a complaint about
• By making excuses and justifying a mistake or failure instead of acknowledging it

It is not hard to work out that a group of people who have a shared practice of lying and (implicitly) agreeing to being lied to hugely sub-optimalize their capacity to produce desired results. 

What Would We Have To Give Up To Have Authentic Communication?

Can you imaging an organization in which open straight and honest communication was the order of the day. For example we'd have to give up:

• Hiding our real feelings so as to avoid upsetting someone/anyone
• Being inauthentic disguised as being nice, being polite
• The results we want in favor of the best we can get
• Trust as a value in use – we'd have to give up trust if we are lying and being lied to all the time.

We Lie, And We Lie That We Lie, Except – Not Always

If we knew that humans lie, and lie that they lie – but not always, wouldn't it be a normal and natural part of each conversation, each interaction with colleagues, friends and family, to probe to discover, is this the truth, or is this one of the occasions he's lying? 

Wouldn't we be more intentional so as not to settle for the untruthful answer and press for, what's the truth, really?

What about a practice to rehabilitate integrity – to make truth telling an organizing principle?